Not much fun, but also not optional right now. (Aunt doesnt need to know whether your laundry has reached the point of not going to have clean clothes to wear or not.). Im asking because you absolutely will pay for it in terms of impacts on the long-term relationship with the person she will become. They are asking whether you want to go on a date with them on Thursday. Not always). (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. I always just say What do you have in mind? It hasnt failed me yet! And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). Im in my late 50s and, frankly, my plans for the weekend are likely to be boring to this younger inquirer. Dont ask each of us the same question. What did _you_ have in mind?. I felt disliked, maybe undervalued, often embarrassed (and some of that came from my own brainweasles or ablism in broader society, not primarily my parents) but never unsafe. If theyre just curious, they can say so, if they want to invite you to something, it gives them the chance, and if you feel like engaging further, you can. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. I think this is a lot clearer in other contexts. Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. I also get your daughter refusing to comply with requests that arent made with at least normal adult civility it was not even a request, in fact, but an order. Must say I kinda love your kids response. OMG yes! That's why you should remember these funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for the next time the question pops up: If you have no idea what degree you're going to get or where you want to live in the future, pretend that you have something big planned, but don't want to ruin the surprise. It doesnt mean Im not an interesting person or my life is less meaningful if Im selective about who I share the details of my life with. Also, Ive had dozens of this same conversation and witnessed hundreds more: [person comes up to their friend] Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place. I also used to use it a lot until a friend pointed out this problematic history, so paying her work forward. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Good, the colors on the leaves are amazing (in Fall) They may want to squee about something exciting, or vent about something theyre dreading, but theyd feel rude unless they ask you first. I am eating. 20 Quick & Easy Canned Responses to Improve Your Customer - HubSpot Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). Im struggling not so much w/ her being at home as I am w/ my worries about her, and with trying to decide whats the best thing for me to doapply pressure? Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. I hate this question too because likeI dont always pick up on it! Tomorrow is the weekend! Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. During this age of social media people get bombarded with Facebook invitations so much that they might very well ignore an invitation they usually would be interested in by accident (this has happened to me quite often; people would reach to me after the event and tell that they are really sad that they missed it). Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. Another option is to have certain chores that a certain person does (e.g. And to this day, unless its a good friend with whom I know I can say eh I just dont feel up to what you suggested even though Im not busy, I get anxious whenever someone pulls the so what are you up to on X day? question. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. / Is it OK for so-and-so to tag along? I was taught that if you are actually inviting people for something, its rude to do it by asking them what theyre doing that night first, because it traps them without a believable excuse for saying no. @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. Me? And asking someone what theyre doing is not the same as issuing an invitation. They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. I understand the concept, but it seems to me that getting an invitation after revealing that you were nominally free at that time would make refusal even harder, not easier. For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. @IndoorCatI appreciate your comments. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE numbers of parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, and its designed to make the adult child respond to powerful guilt buttons installed by the parent and capitulate to what the parent wants, because the adult child is programmed to believe if they dont have a good enough excuse, they have to go attend on the parent at the time in question. If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no.. I loathe this question, and Ive been getting it a lot lately. Yes, this. You have attached a new question to an old thread. ***I realize some people do not have strong preferences about things I have read the CA letters about this very subject and sometime it is okay to say you dont have a preference, but it never hurts to actually engage in the decision making process instead of just dumping it all on another person. Speak to US respectfully. The bigger words you use, the better. I think its more like, LW has a bunch of overbearing, annoying relatives who use this as a manipulation tactic, so she now sees it as one. He taught me that its always polite to leave someone a face-saving way out of a social situation, so if you want to ask someone to go do something, give them a certain date/time, so if they dont want to go they can say sorry I have other plans without anyone feeling awkward. (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). May suggest reversing the order of operations? Jackpot! (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). Remember, . I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). If someone asked why I was asking such a nosy question, I would apology-barf all over them, then call my wife, my mother, and my best friend and ask them what I was supposed to do instead. . Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. Hey, Reddit, how was your weekend? : r/funny Oh, stop it, will you? Its okay that I usually spend my weekends watching movies/playing videogames/reading and those arent shameful hobbies. The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. Him: Doing anything else? This relationship goes both ways. I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. The most generic reply to a compliment is always going to be "thank you". in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. Why do you ask? Its a polite way of communicating WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? What are you up to this weekend? A lot of the people old enough to have adult children at this point still put phone communication on some kind of pinnacle in their minds, because thats what they grew up with. Justit can be a lot sometimes. Its okay if I dont want to share the details of what Im reading with coworkers. LW, one of the things you could do is take a hobby (or pretend to) and have that as your backup plans. Weekend is like God's blessing! He hardly ever asks anymore though. @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. My current boss is a total jerk. Then match the sentences with the correct picture. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. It is trickery and so frustrating. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. Early on in dating the boything, he would ask what I was doing that night in a way that made me think it was small talkso Id say oh, Im working on [project] probably, or I might just have an early night. And then he would assume I wasnt free, whereas if he would have said hey do you want to have dinner? I would have been on board. Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. To her it was rude. For grocery store cashiers, I keep the answer short: Wet, on a rainy day, or Need more coffee this one particularly for coffee shop baristas, who probably hear it too often. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun I shall think on why. Yup, there is a trust relationship to be established, because as detailed above, this question is frequently used with a threat of violence attached. Not least of which, I never felt obligated to pick up on any of his hints ever again. Youre my first choice, but you are not my last hope., (3) So, I know this is a little awkward, but recently Ive realized I like you in a um well, in a romantic way, and I would love it if we could maybe go out on a date sometime and see how that goes? I don't know, you tell me. If they really are trying to manipulate you then Im afraid having just the right words wont fix it you will probably have to say no directly when they finally get to their request. Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. You? I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. What are you doing for dinner? So the onus is on you, when talking to a new person, to communicate that youre just interested in exchanging chitchat about what everybody did/will do over the weekend. 30 Best Responses when Someone Asks "What Are You Doing" To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" I love having something witty, funny, or even sarcastic cued up in response to one of the most common questions asked in any given day. If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. It can be all consuming, leaving no time for askers invitations or request, or totally flexible and cancellable if there is something you would like to do. It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. It always made me think I looked tired or upset or maybe there was something wrong with my hair, because its the sort of thing I would only ask a friend/acquaintance/student if it seemed like they were distressed. Later the grad students said the table turned to remarking on the professor as soon as she was out of earshot, including their surprise that she could be a professor of engineering. I love you. Born and raised in the US, and I also think this is a weird question not to answer literally. Important points about both solutions is a) she gets to participate in the decision and doesnt just get told and b) she makes her own timetable about chores. For a cashier: Great, how are you? just because they are probably required to ask as part of their job. No useful data is exchanged, its just polite social grease to ease people along in their day without ignoring each other (which is definitely read as rude). So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. 1. Rock the anger, LW. Then I can pin them down on what, and when, without having pre-committed myself to some favor they were hinting at sideways. I think this is an expected thing for women to do. In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. Giving my notebook a bath. Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. Just ask! Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. The Im entitled to your assistance is the MINOR part of this.). Michael Wiley on Twitter: "RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. I ask this question all the time. Life is good and I'm happy. Can you do me a favor? Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. 126 followers. I dont have any good answers because that particular form of domestic abuse excessively leaning on the partner for a deluge of small things to the point it is messing up the partners life is pandemic in American culture right now, nearly always but not always done by men to women. How much stuff is there? I really appreciate the feedback from the Captain and other commenters about the need to own my time and feel more confident in my right to respond when and how I want to. This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. 96 views, 2 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 2 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from J.Cano: Law & Order: SVU - Best Episode Every time you see Pushy Neighbor, you go into this mode. Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? 1. But I have made a major effort to train myself to STATE WHAT I WANT first. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. That would feel like a very odd response if I were making small-talk with the question. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. If not, then they'll just think you're being cheeky, which of course, you are. Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. Good luck. Anything fun planned? No, it had just been earlier that very day. What about you? For me, it was lack of basic adult civility and respect that was the death knell I didnt expect safety or that level of support after 18 and didnt feel wronged that it was not given. You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. Are you busy? Just wow. Shes asked like this a few times. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. I thought why do you ask? meant you are being nosy. My Kid: No (shuts door again) Developed with the most common customer inquiries in mind, these responses give customer service reps the power to represent your brand with uniformity, accuracy, and speed. You enjoy making this girl smile and make her day with your humor. But I dont want to? I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. Guys, sorry, I wont be able to make it., The kitty I am catsitting has fallen asleep in my lap. If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. I think w/ friends, if youre open to the getting together, you can say, Were you thinking of trying to get together? in a hopeful tone. She got like that by working three times as hard as everyone else and being three times as smart as everyone else. Setting a timer or alarms. Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it.. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. So yeah, I feel that part too. Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. Especially if I have reason to suspect its just going to be some variation of wanna hang out? if you have something concrete to suggest, lead with that! And when things are something that I consider a family obligation, I make it clear (I need you tocan you? I want to put a claim on your time for X, will that work? etc.) People here are talking about changing a norm, but you have in fact learned the norm correctly, and Im sure this whole conversation feels like slipping sand beneath your feet. I too wish I had the strength & Phoebe confidence to pull of that line. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. Always? Im busy! I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. Wanna do something? or You free Saturday? The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. I never thought about the fact that some people might be actually trying to relieve the pressure! I also trained myself to say, Oh just marathoning *show I like* or I picked up a new book and cant wait to dive in! which they translate to doing a thing. (I suppose they thought that before I responded that way. Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. Or you pretend to suddenly get involved in learning new cooking recipes, or working on your car, or doing competitive chess, or something that isnt a once-a-month kind of hobby. Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. Im an introvert that needs enough time in my week for quieter things around my own home without people. I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. When she asks me what Im doing on a particular day, I just say Im not sure or I need to check my calendar until she tells me what she wants. If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. What are you up to this weekend? is an absolutely normal question and learning to use it is not a failure of yourself. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. What are some funny or witty responses for when someone ask you - Quora Its great that you can come!. Have a very happy weekend! I get the where are you from? question all the time. I didnt realize it until I noticed they were running a long-term experiment when they traveled of noting responses they said they like Canada and big chunks of northern and western US, because if they say theyre British, no one bats an eye despite their obvious Polish accents. This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time. It gives you a window into each others lives and invites you to share something about yourself. after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. 1) Let the weekend memes begin! I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. (And boy howdy, did she get pissy when I responded with not really. We did NOT live together well.). what are you doing?. They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. its differential equations, 2. Ive had trouble with that one, too. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. Him: Nothing fun? I saved up enough to move out. No.. How do I know if my comment was lost or is just stuck in a mod queue? This breaks the meaningless exchange of localized variations in air pressure aspect of the typical greeting, and most people seem to respond favorably to having good things introduced into a conversation. Give small truths. That sounds weird coming from you. Even if its only logistically. Thats just how some people ask I suppose. And I think for online dating purposes Im going to assume #2 unless I get significant evidence otherwise. If I were any better, I'd be you. I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. I also answer yeah, that would be great and then never hear from them again. 2. Thanks, I woke up like this. I think it depends a lot on context. Can I get back to you later? In truth that is an honest answer, my schedule would fall like a house of cards without my calendar and unless it is an emergency I truly have to check it. (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. Try these instead. I find the amount of people suggesting this interesting.