Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! It is a huge trust issue. Armchair diagnosis of either is not useful, but it doesnt hurt to remind people of possible things to consider. OMG! But it was a pain in the ass to get there, I felt super unsafe walking around at night (as in, someone else from the conference actually got muggedthere were few street lights and the streets were deserted after dark), and the food sucked. The obvious thing is that anxiety, fear and control issues are not rational, and no matter how many times you state the reality, it wont change a thing. How To Travel Alone Without Ruining Your Marriage! Im guessing its because Vegas sounds like its all casinos and bars and drunk parties, and if I learned anything in college its that bars and drunk parties are teeming with predators. Thats not out of reluctance to let either one out of their sights, but more because when they have the choice to be together, they will be together, and when its unavoidable, they make do as best they can. They were lost and just wanted to get back to the station, happened to see one guy had a gun and started cryingwhich caused all the guys to worriedly come over, try to calm them down, then send a guy to escort them personally to the train station. Las Vegas hotels have cameras everywhere. Eh, sex work is legitimate work. My mom has cooled off a bit now that Im almost 40 (!! If hes of the mind that the husband should be the breadwinner then it sounds like insecurity about his own career. However, I have to stay in London for a couple of days next week, and he encouraged me to go he said he needs to learn to be more independent and self-reliant. Agreed. I travel for work a lot, and quite often to Vegas people have conventions and meetings in Vegas because (1) the attendees generally like it and (2) there are a lot of hotels and meeting space. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. I remember being like, What would I even DO with all this space? ha! My SO and I ate there in 2013, and he STILL sighs and says, That was a good burger, whenever Las Vegas is mentioned. Or leave? Illegal prostitution happens in Vegas, to be sureas it happens pretty much everywhere in the country. making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. Fortunately, he wouldnt even ask because, (1) jeez, who needs survey results to help you navigate your marriage? Get that man into counseling, pronto. Yeah man, sure, that uh really sucks? We can take care of ourselves. I did business trips to the Middle East. His income was mostly for his own frivolous purchases, my job paid the rent and most of the utilities (he paid his own phone bill and bitched about it nonstop). I find her a little insane in terms of worrying. When I was fretting over whether to pursue a fantastic opportunity that would require a good amount of travel, he told me, Youve worked too hard to get where you are to not take ANY opportunity you want to take. And he means it. Did I stand out? Definitely ask him to go to counseling ASAP to work out these issues in your relationship and like Allison said, if he refuses to go it could be very helpful for you to go alone. If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. Just Saying. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. Theres concern, and then theres overreacting. What level of dealing with him can you actually do during these three days AND be able to focus on your work stuff? I do know that the way he is handling his concerns is controlling, right down to gaslighting you by saying everyone agrees with him. Youve never met them, but that doesnt mean that they dont exist. It can be; it can also be a culture that has different views on whats important in a relationship. Shopping! I think part of this relates back to a topic thats come up here before: people who dont travel for work think its fun but the people who do travel for work spend the whole time in meetings, seminars, conferences, and never get to explore whatever city theyre in. Hopefully the comment section will help the OP see what is going on here. Is that an issue as well? Couldnt she spend the weekend elsewhere? And myhusband answered, Ididnt want tobring her, but she insisted.Ibooked aticket and went home onthe next plane out. The good part is that I was able to figure out why I had that reaction, which (mostly) made it go away. $60/night + $30/night resort fee, and $30 worth of groceries for the week kept me out of the pricey restaurants. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. Thats what tips me toward the prospect that your husband is on the controlling end of the spectrum and not the real bad anxiety end of the spectrum. Personally, I think its far more likely that hes just using others or my friends agree as a generic point in his favor without actually having asked them. You dont ever want to put yourself in a position of relaying solely on his for financial support because you then lose the ability to leave if you need to. I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. They have to want to change. Maybe there are some things about himself orhis relationship with you that need some work. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. I got a sense of that with first part of the letter, but then the follow-up indicated he said his pals would not LET their spouses/sig others go well, thats a pretty bright red flag there. (I lost 30 pounds not eating while she was away, and we both shed lots of tears at TSA seeing her off) Now, new project, wife just did 12 days in Portland just saw her off for 3 days planning there for another two week project there. I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. He mad at my company and questions the motives. So give yourself permission to stop trying, OP. This is not a normal or healthy response from a spouse, and it needs to change. I dont know that I am articulating this as succinctly as I could be, but I hope you know where Im coming from. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! Absolutely. Without any business context then yeah, lots of people would object to that. And Im sure theres a lot more I dont know about. You have to have the autonomy in your relationship to perform the required duties of your job; its not like youre going to shaking it on top of a table at the Cosmopolitan. In which case OP should divorce his sorry ass posthaste, because those guys are genuinely dangerous and also do not deserve companionship. People cheat in the tiniest of towns. Disordered anxiety changes shape to fit inside whatever container is available, which might be infidelity or kidnapping or alien abduction. He chose, and I repeat chose this lifestyle. Dosomething small tobuild trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. I definitely recommend Captain Awkward too for assistancence (she, Allison, and Doctor Nerdlove need to be together one day). thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. I have anxiety disorder and I do worry excessively (one time to the point of a panic attack) when my husband travels for work, but thats on me to manage. Hee! husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. If OP and her husband are from perhaps a small conservative town and the husband has never been, theres a slim chance that hes reacting to this reputation. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. OMG, but the burgers there are sooo good! It is NOT his choice whether you go! 8 1 11 1. As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). If so, maybe its just a weird fixationbut if he often has nervous, fearful, or otherwise disproportionate reactions to things, it might be worth seeing if he can get some help with that. Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. You need a pro to help you guys sort out this tangle and see where to go from here in a way that doesnt actively sabotage your career because of his irrational behavior. Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. When the plans were being made hubby was not over excited but was ok with it. Possibly the same people who dont think they should ever be in a one-on-one meeting or dinner with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Other than that, we gambled, we ate a lot, we walked a lot, saw a lot of family-oriented and kid-oriented activities swam in the hotels outdoor pool. He is not being reasonable or rational, so dont even try to engage with him as if he is. I would hate to see that whatever reassurances/checking in could have a negative impact on how you are perceived in your office. Either theyll know already that it doesnt work that way, or worse, theyll try it and end up handing more ammunition to the husband. By letting him chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with male colleagues, in public, etc. It means the relationship ran its course and isnt bringing the two of you what you need any more, and thats sad, but its also not unusual. Honestly, Vegas is what you make it, and its different things for different people. But secondhand smoke doesnt have an opt-out. Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. This. He needs to manage his insecurities and not force them all on you and your career. There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. Ill wait. The idea of where we are in danger is terribly skewed in the US. But also, this is pretty clearly a business and financial question. There are tons of huge conferences that take place there all the time. This happens to me at the worst times, like when Im walking home in the evening or when Im doing chores alone around the house I get this feeling like im starting in the opening sequence of whatever creepy procedural I was watching. I usually find that veiled anxiety/fear of minorities is at the root of cities are dangerous and scary and you must never go out after dark fears, but rarely is it veiled so thinly. I posted above about his great and powerful They. The Everybody who agrees with him. We specifically took any kind of obey language out of our vows. But I am going to totally disagree with you that its not a relationship problem. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. I go to Vegas twice a year for fun, and while you can get into the seedier side of it IF YOU WANT TO, its also very, VERY easy to not get into it all. But because a good counselor will see that there is no point and dismiss the couple. This educational content is not medical or diagnostic advice. Thats even better than the Seinfeld episode where Georges girlfriend refuses to accept his decision to break up with her! OP, I agree with the prior commenter who asked about your husbands travel experience. Unlike other cities where the hotels and expo centers are spread apart dotted in among the rest of the city, the downtown area was basically built for tourists/travelers. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. Take the same approach; its a problem affecting you both that you both want to fix. Has heever done this before with other people inhis life? As a woman and someone invested in ending the b- s- that is sexism (some may call me a feminist!) Honestly, corporate meetings in Vegas are not the sexfests people think they are. In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. Reading it again, its a bit confusing, but I still think the husbands friends arent agreeing with him. Do I refuse to go to save my marriage or go on the trip and try to keep good stance in my company? This screams abuser and it will only get worse. Im in business, so of course I know that a lot of conferences and normal things to do there, but its a little disingenuous to claim that a location that intentionally markets itself as Sin City doesnt at least have a rep for vice. He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. And heres what wethink will help. We took a shorter trip while he we breastfeeding and and still did it the same. The counseling would then help them sort out their individual issues as well as provide them tools to handle the communitys judgment as well. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. Shed never thought about it because shed only seen the Strip depictions. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. That isnt what the follow-up says, it says they object that they would even let their significant others go. My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. Not that I am saying that the Letter Writer should invite her husband. We're glad we did it to see it's totally do-able. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. Ive only been to Vegas twice. Your stops will be longer because you'll have to take the baby out of the carseat for a little bit. Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Sometimes its easier to understand from the outside by hearing other stories about how irrational thoughts can impact our lives. Best of luck! My husband is like this, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent. Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. I second Alisons advice that marital counseling is needed. So theyre officially still working there. If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or.
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