After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young woman by the clubhouse. Everyday I'm Schauffele. Winston S. Churchill, You ought to take more exercise if youre inclined to have a liver. The harder you practice, the luckier you get. Gary Player, 32. Bruce Lansky, Author. Bye Bye Birdie. Youre shooting for the green, and yet, in the end you find yourself in the hole. Always make a total effort, even when the odds are against you. Arnold Palmer, 65. What do you call a blonde at a golf course? All through the night they made wild love together. Thats how long a Scotsman takes to finish a bottle of Scotch! Mickey Mantle, Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the If you can smoke and drink while youre doin it, its not a sport. 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! Of course, after painting the Mona Lisa, you'll likely soon be back to bleeding. I tell it that this isnt going to hurt a bit. The means are as important as the ends. So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. Golfing? You want some dirty golfing jokes, we got them for you. 75 Hilarious Golf Puns and One-Liners That Don't Suck They have been there where we are standing now. Youre too out-of-shape to play in the church softball league. Mini Golf Captions. And maybe that same element inspires the poets, writers and artists to pay homage to golfor at least lament its cruelty. If you think youre standing too close to the ball, make sure youve actually struck it with your club after swinging. Bob Bruce One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. Being a thoughtful person, and a social being, I find it very amusing to explore people's thoughts, observations, and experiences. "Gunga galunga gunga, gunga-galunga." They say golf is like life, but dont believe them. the flag cant jump. A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result. Tommy Armour, 40. A two-foot putt on the practice green doesnt spark many doubts. Youve got to loosen your girdle and really let the ball have it. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 43. I play Bass. Youngman is credited with inventing the "Take my wifeplease" trope. Tommy Bolt, As golf conquered the United States in the decades preceding World War I, the British import took on new forms. 6. I prayed that I would react well if I missed. Chi Chi Rodriguez, 44. Michael Connelly, The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. Im the best. What's the difference between a golfball and a Nissan? Andy. No other game combines the wonder of nature with the discipline of sport in such carefully planned ways. Share these images with quotes about funny golf with family, friends, mates, colleagues, and all your acquaintances. The end. 157 Good Golf Quotes For You To Tee Up and Swing Away Dont break your heart, but flirt with the possibility. Louise Suggs, 8. After 18 holes, I can barely walk. I was off to-day! Why is Hearts a golfers worst card game? Just 130+ Golf Jokes So Funny They're A Hole In One - Scary Mommy 3. Dirty Golf - pinterest.com 67 GOLF INSTAGRAM CAPTIONS Funny 2021 List for Golf Lover! Noah golf pro who can fix your swing? It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Don Adams, Theres an old saying in golf that when the wind blows the men are separated from the boys. From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. Bring some friends, and we can play a foursome. When your golf cart capsizes. A great shot is when you pull it off. Whats the best quality in a golf partner? You grind it out. Tiger Woods, 54. How I Lost Weight Playing Golf & Other Golf Benefits, Golf And Fitness Tips from a TPI Golf Fitness Instructor, How to Improve Your Handicap and Golf Game, How To Know What Golf Club to Use on the Golf Course, Goal Setting is a Great Way to Improving Your Golf Game, Best Putters for Women 2023 Find the Best Ladies Putters, Black Friday and Cyber Monday Golf Discounts. 3. "If everything was given to you, it wouldn't feel as good when you achieve it." Annika Sorenstam 24. How would you like to do something I won't do for anyone on the PGA tour? What is the difference between Rory McIlroy and Princess Diana? Please add a link to this site. Do you share these funny golf jokes? Dirty Golf Jokes - Dirty Golfing Jokes - Jokes4us.com I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. How about you be my caddy and wash my balls tonight? Short Golf Sayings And Quotes For Good Luck Shots, Funny Golf Quotes For Ladies And Gentlemen, TOP 30 Best Sayings On Theory | Free Hd Wallpaper Pictures Download, TOP 30 Meaningful Sayings On Sweet Love | Free Hd Background Images Download, TOP 30 Notable Quotes About Subtle | Free Hd Wallpaper Pictures Download, TOP 30 Meaningful Quotes About Volunteerism | Free Hd Background Images Download, TOP 30 Top Quotes About Snuggle | Free Hd Background Pictures Download, 27+ Revolutionary Sayings On Hysterical | Free Hd Background Images Download, TOP 30 Favorite Sayings About Hypocrites | Free Hd Background Images Download, 92+ Meaningful Sayings About Hypocrisy | Free Hd Wallpaper Images Download, 21+ Creative Sayings About Hypnosis | Free Hd Wallpaper Pictures Download, 12+ Beautiful Sayings On Hype | Free Hd Background Pictures Download. Go to the golf course. I have been able to hope for the best, expect the worst, and take what comes along. A two-foot putt to win a bet or a tournament or a Masters is another thing entirely. People may find dirty jokes shocking or disgusting, but no one can deny they're funny as hell! After 18 holes I can barely walk. Have a look at these best picture quotes of funny golf. Keep your head down. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. "Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. Twelfth son of the Lama. Enjoy! And there are windmills. Knock, knock Please read here for more information. 21. Full Text: Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? Nay! ~ Sijin Bt. A hole in one of a kind model. Clubbing. Say what you want about the other sports, none of them hold a candle to golf when it comes to inspirational and downright funny quotes. clubs. If it is the dirty element that gives pleasure to the act of lust, then the . Short Golf Jokes & Puns 1. Playing golf is fun and exciting, but these Short Golf Jokes will make your game enjoyable. What do golf and sex share in common? Show Business is just to pay the greens fees." -Bob Hope "You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married," said the pouting wife. Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. Hey, were you just promoted from Army captain because I'm always up for getting another major? How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course? Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. If you drink, dont drive. You wont be able to keep your head down long enough. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. Im a friend and all Im going to do is give it a nice little ride. Sam Snead, 35. The next pint in the clubhouse is on me! H. G. Wells, The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. 69 Best Dirty Quotes For Him | Her | Kinky | Funny | Sayings - TryTutorial "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. This position should feel sort of unnatural and should permit you to hook the ball without altering your golf swing. 19th Hole Bonus Quote: While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I have 17 wives, one more and I will have a golf course!. Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, Right train, wrong ticket., The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, No sleeper cars on that train either, Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: work. Jack Nicklaus, 3. As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. Ben Hogan, 25. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behavior or unique IDs on this site. Tell me what your favorite sports game is, and I will tell you, who you are. As he approached the threesome, he said Hey guys, do you mind if I play through. Where do ghosts play golf in the afterlife? Originally posted by raffa nunyez. If you worry about the ones you missed, you are going to keep missing them. Walter Hagen, 47. Henry Beard, Like clubs inside my golf bag / each verse a different face / Some to drive straight down the course / others lift and then embrace. Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. Paul Harvey calling every golfer out. Because you coming back to my hotel is the only fair way for this evening to go. Ellis Parker Butler, When we watch pro golfers, we expect them to play well, to make the shots we know we cant, and to be entertaining. Because he walked into the wrong club! Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?, Mr. Palmer replied, Do you own a 3 iron?. The 19th hole. I promise to lick your balls clean and polish your shaft before and after each use during the upcoming golf season. So, what are your thoughts? When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. Dirty Quotes For Him "You can stay but your clothes must go." "Let's make love, then have a h0t dirty time." "I promise to always be by your side. 3. If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron, not even God can hit a 1-iron. again, Lee Trevino, who would know a thing or two about lightning strikes considering he was stuck by it on the course. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. Whats the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. Basketball is a sport for black men. It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing youre a bad golfer. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. Sam Snead. Would you like to see my Slazenger along with my freshly cleaned balls? Don Carter Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. What do you jot down if you dont remember if you hit a 6 or a 7? The 32 Dirty Quotes of all Time - quotesforbros.com 4. Play golf. What did the golfer say to the hip hop dancer? Because all the other four letter words were taken. The actor's quote relays an essential truth: Even the most mild-mannered golfer tends to lose his head when he sees or suspects someone else has hit or picked up his golf ball. Many golfing terms sound naughty. One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows. Spread your legs shoulder width, that's the first step to a successful golf swing. How you handle failure determines how successful you will be. Muffet McGraw, 26. Where is the best place to go on vacation? I give the ball some sweet talk. Sir W.G. Jordan is a golf lover and the founder of Cyber Caddie. These words carry the feeling for those you care about and those who care about you. You okay with that? Drop some in the comments! Sometimes a good joke can lighten up the mood. For true success, it matters what our goals are. 50 Side-Splitting Golf Puns & Jokes For Any Situation If a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and cockleburs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot. You must remember not to remember to think. I had a hole in nothing. For you only, all the funny golf quotes images have been created that you are going to explore now. "The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.". I stepped on a rake. Henny Youngman in a high-pitched voice. document.getElementById("copyright_year").innerHTML = new Date().getFullYear(); We do our best to represent colors accurately, but viewing screens vary from one to another, and from real life. And it matters how we go about attaining them. Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. No matter what you shoot the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin again and make yourself into something. Whats the easiest shot to make in golf? 19. Andy who? In case they get a hole-in-one! It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I cant play it. Required fields are marked *. What did the Mormon say to his golfing buddies? "Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.". The next minute youre hemorrhaging. Its possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind. Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five. Is that my golf bag in your pants because I just finished a long drive and I'd like to put my wood in it? If everything was given to you, it wouldnt feel as good when you achieve it. Annika Sorenstam, 24. Golf?! 2. Harry Vardon, There is no movement in golf that cannot be made more difficult through diligent study and practice. Golf Quotes (131 quotes) - Goodreads Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie. Mickey Mantle, owner of one of the sweetest swings in baseball, not so much in golf. I love the contrast between the agony of a golfer bleeding out and the ecstasy of a moment of creative genius. Why did the blonde golfing pro cheat on his wife? 21 FUNNIEST Golf Jokes 2023 (with Puts and Puns) - Jokes Quotes Factory I just got a call my wife has had a life threatening car accident and Im worried I might not make it.. Pretty is as pretty does. Harvey Penick, 61. See more ideas about golf quotes funny, golf, golf quotes. I'm a bit tired so how about we just play your backside tonight? Could you in the moment quiet your thoughts and execute? "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." I give him the driver. Sam Snead, Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. A married couple were golfing when all of a sudden the wife asks, Wife: Honey, if I die, will you marry again?, Wife: Will you let her sleep in our bed?, Wife: Would you even let her use my golf clubs?. Spread your legs a little more. After shooting 30 over par after 18 holes, Jim is on his way home from the 18th having a chat with his Karen. Peter Jacobson, 33. Tahiti who? Are you sure you aren't all four majors because you would be a grandslam? What hot new enhancement pill can you use to beef up your game? Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't: 10. Because subtraction speaks louder than words. Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Have fun. I am Jimmy, clown at heart. Golf turns outdoors into indoors, a prefab mat of stultified grass, processed, pesticided, herbicided, the pseudo-green of formica sterilityThe enemy of wildness, it is a demonstration of the absolute dominion of man over wild nature. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?" "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". Relate what your buddy said after a five-putt, the joke your grandfather made about the ballwasher or your golf junkie pal's philosophy about the parallel between golf and life. Why do golfers carry a spare pair of golf shorts? 7. When you hit the cup but dont sink the shot, its called Prom Night. A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf When is it too wet to play golf? 5. Hold your 2-iron in the air, because not even God can hit a 2-iron. Why are golf and sex so similar? How does a brunette keep her husband from a blond working at a golf course? My doctor told me I cant play golf. Oh, when did he play with you?. Ben Hogan, I know I am getting better at golf because Im hitting fewer spectators. Tiger Woods can drive a ball three hundred yards! Jack Benny. Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course? In your approach to golf, no one can tell you what to do. Boo. No, but I'm willing to screw in them. Colleen Ferrari Bader, And does the man walk always so? Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? You look like someone who likes to swing. The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user. 21+ Best Dirty Golf Pick Up Lines - Best Jokes and Puns Grip the club as if you were holding a baby bird. Sam Snead, 58. Lee Trevino. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. I love you and I want you to stay with me., Woman: You dont understandIm a hooker., Man: That is no problem, darlin, you probably just have too strong a grip.. Toggle Navigation Menu . Wanna be my caddy? With trust, it feels like you and your golf club are partners dancing as one. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often. What does a golfer do on his day off? What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? He was puttering around. Recently, I have discovered that Blogging can be quite a useful way, to share. Any birdie will do. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt. So what's it gonna be today, Stroke Play or Skins? There are no time constraints, as there are in other sports. How many does he do?, Man: Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.. Golf is such an individual game, and no two people swing alike. Kathy Whitworth, 14. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. I wanna take out your golf clubs and score a HOLE in 1. Daphne du Maurier, With many twists and holes life is much like a golf game; without bats, you cannot Play. What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? They expect to succeed! However, it's been poisoned for me by the fact that it was often relayed to customers at a golf course I worked at by an overweight 90-year-old man while I awkwardly feigned amusement in repeated moments of shared weirdness. Robert Fuller Murray, Golf is a fascinating game. The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. 1. Dirty Golfing Quotes Joke, Sick Golfing Quotes Jokes, Funny Golfing Damn, girl. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. I've been playing golf all day and would love to make you my 19th hoe. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. With the exception of the putter and the driver remember that you hit down on every other shot in golf. You either need to learn to drink or take up golf. Turns out Im not a good scotch drinker. Are you into kinky stuff? That's why I'm hoping you, Bleacher Report readers, will add some of your own content in the comments. Why didnt the golfer finish his homework? A great golf course both frees and challenges a golfers mind. Tom Watson, 7. GOLF DIGEST MAY EARN A PORTION OF SALES FROM PRODUCTS THAT ARE PURCHASED THROUGH OUR SITE AS PART OF OUR AFFILIATE PARTNERSHIPS WITH RETAILERS. However, every person playing the game has the basis of good mental skills for golf. Eight. Here is a list that I have compiled over the years of my some of my favorite golf quotes. My swing is so bad, I look like a caveman killing his lunch. Kurt Philip Behm, Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease. It's included here because of the hilarious mental image it evokes. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Wodehouse, Golf is Not a great sport. A man without a woman is like a pistol without a trigger; it is the woman who makes the man go off. Two men were playing a round golf, one of the men was just about to make his golf swing when he noticed a large funeral group passing by on a nearby road. I stepped on a rake.". If you like football - I would rather think that you are active, optimistic and strict a bit. Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken. Golf is a puzzle without an answer. Hitting the ball well is about thirty percent of it. See you in the Email! The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. "Your game is so bad you had to have your ball retriever re-gripped!" Babe Ruth once said, "It took me 17 years to get three thousand hits in baseball. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. Check out these hilarious jokes that are guaranteed to make you smile. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, You know, when I was your age, Id hit the ball right over that tree. With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. Watch their eyes. I'm pretty good with my short putts. A dirty joke is a joke that is usually considered inappropriate because of its indecent punchline. I just dont know where I fit in. Beth Daniel, 37. What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbation? Two rounds a day are plenty. Excuse me, Miss, are you looking for the fairway? Your email address will not be published. Again the announcement: Would the man on the womens tee kindly back up the mens tee!, Mike had had enough and shouted: Would the horses ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!. One minute youre bleeding. Sunday Service. The little ball that sat motionless, defying you to hit it. "I'm the best. I stepped on a rake. As in, surf the web, gather knowledge, and share them. Hey would you like what you're hiding in your tight jeans to be the 34th ranked golfer in the world because I can make that V-jay sing? Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. Bruce Crampton, 63. Ewan McGregor, It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. With this in mind, here are the 10 funniest golf quotes of all time. -Happy Gilmore. On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen-foot putt to win the match. You get bad breaks from good shots, good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play where it lies." Bobby Jones 23. He attacks it. 2023 Lynn on the Links, LLC All Rights Reserved. "Damn, my shaft is all bent." Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if youre not good at them. Roy Tin Cup McAvoy, the greatest that never was. Lighten up, golf is just a game after all. 19+ Best Dirty Medical Pick Up Lines - Best Jokes and Puns Bobby Jones, Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Steve Bann, It is surely quite superfluous to mention / To a person who has been here half an hour / That Golf is what engrosses the attention / Of the people, with an all-absorbing power. A fan in the crowd said Mr. USE OF AND/OR REGISTRATION ON ANY PORTION OF THIS SITE CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE OF OURVISITOR AGREEMENT(UPDATED 1/6/23),PRIVACY AND COOKIES NOTICE(UPDATED 1/4/23) ANDCALIFORNIA PRIVACY NOTICE. Golfing is like masturbation, sex, or pooping?! The cat crawls out at night to smoke them and we are trying to get him to quit. One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. We have a threesome, care to join us? nay I my child, and eke, oh! Why didnt the golfer get his homework done? On the Green In Two. Instead, here's a great clip of Chi Chi talking about ladies he sees golfing. Gardner Dickinson, Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. Golf is the easiest game in the world. Steve Bann, Theres a reason why golfers walk forward to their next shot. The threesome were curious what was going on. Jack Lemmon is probably remembered best for his roles in The Odd Couple and The Apartment. Whether you are watching or playing golf, everyone loves a good golf joke thats why weve rounded up these Funny Golfer Jokes that you and your friends can laugh about! Kurt Philip Behm, The reason they call it golf is that all the other 4 letter words were used up. I . Dirt your body. Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? When a golfer lies, he doesnt have to bring any proof home. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. 47 Hilarious Quotes About Driving. Features: Size: 7x18 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Some of the best cowboys aren't boys Features: Size: 7x7 inches Made from solid knotty pine Flat edges for shelf-sitting Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. What do you call a lion playing golf? I like big putts and I cannot lie. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you cant improve your lie. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. 4. And, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. Not sure who said it, but whoever did understands the game, at times, doesnt make much sense. Joey Adams, A well-hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands, and into your heart. when we were married," said the pouting wife. Or on top." "I have lovemaking with you a lot in my head." "Let's have a 'who's better in b3d' contest. Clubbing. Weve all been humbled by this game and have learned that a sense of humor can be the most important club in the bag. Gone golfin' be back dark thirty. -Bobby Jones Geoff Shackelford, Golf sits in that beautiful junction between perfection and frustration. Jeff Foxworthy, In order to develop a golf swing, your thoughts must run in the right direction. Whos there? 100 Great Golf Quotes All Keen Golfers Need To Read | Kidadl P. G. Wodehouse, The difference between a good golf shot and a bad one is the same as the difference between a beautiful and a plain woman a matter of millimeters. Weve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot. Answer: Roarin Mcilroy. I like big putts and I cannot lie. He was perfecting his swing. Many of them contain words and phrases that are unable to grace this slideshow. At the golf corpse! Ben Hogan. Choose Why don't golfers ever eat pie? John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: Hey Don, come here. Your email address will not be published. Go Premium to get full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. My shaft is bent. Golf Club Distance & Driving Distances for Women Golfers, Providing a Community & Womens Golf Resources, How to Build Consistency in Your Golf Game, Golf is Hard.
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